My first Music Appreciation Concert Review

Earlier tonight, I went to the first of my four concerts for Music Appreciation. Since I don’t have a car, and I don’t know anyone in the class, I ended up getting my entire family, with the exception of my elder brother, to go as well. My younger brother initially wanted to go, however upon the revelation that it was Opera music, he was immediately put off as if I’d asked him to attend a gymnastic event populated by communists-lepers or something equally off-putting and politically insane. Finally, after much un-needed drama over who was going and who was staying, we left at quarter to seven, confident we would not be late.

We were late. We arrived at Spivey Hall just a few minutes after the performance started, so we ended up sitting in the lobby area until the first set of songs were over so we could enter, undisturbed and the musicians would be none the wiser since they go backstage for about a minute between each set in the program. Quite convenient, actually since it gave me a chance to check my e-mail and take extra notes.

The singer, Jeffery Ray, was a baritone Opera singer in a Bruce Wayne-esque tuxedo and the most mis-leading appearance to voice combination I’d ever seen or heard besides the Chocolate Rain guy. The Pianist, Susan Tusing was a rather unassuming woman in a glittery top that seemed to make every small movement of her arms significant. They were accompanied by a young lad who turned the pages who, upon further review may have been an indentured servant, but a very self-important indentured servant who tired to increase his worth by making rather dramatic movements each time he had to turn a page for Ms. Tusing.

First of all, I’d like to discuss the tone of the music. Either I’m missing something very vital in Opera-appreciation, or there was something just…wrong with the music. It was like it was gray or colorless. It just seemed to exist. The mood was basically the same. I had always thought that I would enjoy Opera since I really like classical instrumental music, but I have to say, I was not impressed. The musical era was basically all over. According to the program, the music was created between the 1600s and the modern, some might even say ‘heroic’ age. According to the program, only one of the composers is still alive, however when surrounded by the names of dead musicians, the program almost seemed…wanting, uncertain about this person’s life and work. Anyway, most of the songs were in German or Russian and made me feel like I was at some sort of evil rally in the 40s. However, the last two sets of songs were in English and a few of them made me feel like the former singer of the Smiths, Morrissey should be singing them. The experience was not helped by the fact that the combination of my poor eye sight, far back seat, and odd facial expressions made the singer look almost exactly like Bob Saget.

At the end of each set, Mr. Ray and Ms. Tusing would stand, bow, bask greedily in their applause and exit the stage only to come out again after a moment, probably for Mr. Ray to inhale large amounts of pure oxygen to keep from passing out. They would then come back to the stage to more applause and play a few more songs before repeating the process and undoubtedly upping the amount of oxygen each time.

One song in particular “And Her Mother Came Too!” originally composed by Ivor Novello did make me question not only my own sanity, but the sanity of the singer, the pianist, and the composer as a whole. Almost as if we were all drawn together in an infinite time loop of Lovecraftian madness while the audience clapped politely, no doubt sensing the malice in his voice. But I digress. The song was about how the singer couldn’t get any time alone with his sweetie, since her family members, most prominently her mother would always show up and ruin the moment. I sort of feel like the singer specifically chose this song because he thinks of his real-life mother-in-law as some sort of otherworldly nether-beast from the dark corners of the universe. The entire song was sung with a knowing smile that seemed to be masking a venomous dark underbelly of his mind.

The next few songs were much more cheerful and one of them, “The Man of La Mancha” sounded straight out of a Spaghetti Western which was appropriate because Mr. Ray would probably like to be a gunslinger when his mother-in-law is around. After the last song, “The Impossible Dream”, the two did their usual ritual, however, this was followed by a hand-holding bow and I thought that it was finally over, that I could get home and start writing my subtly scathing review. Alas, they came out again for an encore. I don’t remember the name, but “The Impossible Dream” was much better as a Swan Song than the encore.

Overall, I didn’t really enjoy the concert and the constant feeling of hollowness caused by the music, combined with the disbelief in my mind that such a deep voice could come from someone that looked like Bob Saget, was entirely frustrating and made me hate the balding man in front of me for not finding fault with it. However, unlike my rage, the man did not exist, so I was left alone with the feelings of a madman, constantly worrying that a recording device would break and Mr. Ray would be left with his own real person voice that probably sounded, based on his Bob Sagat-like appearance, more like Kermit the Frog than Tay Zonday. As mentioned above, I do enjoy classical music as long as it is instrumental, but maybe it was the fact that this was just piano and Opera singing instead of an entire orchestra. For my next concert review I shall have to investigate this further.

WHAT HAS BEEN SEEN CANNOT BE UNSEEN

Heroes Season 3 Discrepancies, Dawg

So, the past week or so, I’ve been watching the second and third seasons of Heroes, everyone’s favorite show about people with superpowers (for one season). Anyway, as much as people have said how bad the second season and such was, I just don’t see it. The only thing I’ve never liked about the show is Hayden Panettiere and Ali Larter. Both play the weakest characters and don’t deserve the spotlight their characters usually get in the show.

"Hi, I ruin good shows and the public's image of sexy! Tee hee!"

It also doesn’t help that there’s several lines in the script alluding to how ‘hot’ Claire is. Fuck that. It’s like how romantic comedies keep trying to force the idea on us that Drew Barrymore deserves to be a leading lady or that Julia Roberts is talented.

Anyway, as much as I loathe Claire, there’s other things I want to talk about, hilariously enough, some of them are about how much Claire sucks. And she does.

1. Fucking Claire- Remember how in the beginning of the third season, Sylar finally gets Claire’s powers? And then she can’t feel pain anymore? Then remember how literally everything that a normal person would find painful happened to her, she would still wince and act like she was in pain? Fuck Claire, man. She sucks so much. A friend of mine suggested that it could just be that she’s instinctively wincing since a person would be used to it, but fuck that, she’s not that good of an actress. When she’s on the plane with Elle, going to Pine Hearst, she grabs Elle’s hand to conduct her electricity because otherwise the plane would crash and she would be fine. Anyway, when she grabs her hand to channel lightning that she can’t even see, she basically freaks out. Fuck you, Claire.

2. That guy in the Comic Book store- This is from volume 4, where Claire, being the self-righteous little bitch that she is, tries to save this guy who works at the comic book store that happens to be like, 20 feet from her house. Anyway, when she reveals her ability (not before him mentioning that she’s hot, fucking liar), he reveals that he never told anyone about his power and whatever. Fucking BULL SHIT. Someone that works in a fucking comic book store would be out, prowling the streets fighting crime or trying to get the President to hire them to fight terrorists if they found out they had powers. Fuck you.

This man is a liar.

3. Rebel- Goddammit, Micah did not need to be in season 2 let alone season 3. Not only were all of his scenes incredibly awkward because of the ol’ puberty, but he was like 9. There’s no way that he was completely over his mother’s death within 2 or so months so he could help other people with powers. I fucking hate him. Which brings up my next point.

4. Goddamn Ali Larter- Her damnation of Claire Redfield aside, Ali Larter was the worst character in season 1 (just before Claire got all self-righteous and bitchy) and when she finally gets killed off in season 2, they fucking bring her back as her own character’s sister. Why do you do these things, Tim Kring? Do you really wonder why the show got canceled just as it was getting good and Sylar was finally an official Hero? Fuck!

I'm guessing that when she was handed Resident Evil 2 and Code Veronica for reference material for Resident Evil: Apocalypse, she just said, "Nah, I'll wing it! How bad can it be?" Answer: Fucking awful.

5. The entire fucking plot line- As much as I liked the Villains storyline since Sylar sort of took center stage and almost became a good guy, the story made no fucking sense. Peter kept telling his dad and his brother about how giving people powers would basically cause the end of the world or whatever, so what’s their response? No, it’s okay, see, we’re gonna give everyone powers and that’s gonna prevent your future from happening! It’s fool-proof! It fucking isn’t.

Then in Fugitives, Nathan decides that everyone with powers needs to be rounded up and put in concentration camps so they can find a cure to take away people’s kick-ass abilities. I’m not even gonna talk about how Nathan himself has powers since it’s irrelevant, but what the fuck is wrong with that big-headed cocksucker? Granted, the people that it showed them pick up could be construed as dangerous, you know, if every single one of them wasn’t a good guy. But we’ve been shown people that can breath underwater, and hear really well, and be able to tell when someone’s lying. Like, what the fuck could they do that’s a threat to national security? And Hiro didn’t even have powers for fuck’s sake! And then what does he do when they’re trying to capture Sylar, probably the most dangerous superhuman on the planet? Fucking normal soldiers. They attack Sylar at least twice, and both times he kills the shit out of them. Fuck.

Don't let the adorable kitty fool you. Sylar is the one person in the entire goddamn series that remains entirely awesome throughout the whole show.

And before I get comments telling me how bitchy I’m being, I know I am, but I’m the one with the blog and you chose to come here and read it.

People that are in Every Classroom ever

Once again, my Music Appreciation class has driven me to make fun of it. The class isn’t bad, don’t get me wrong. It’s just some of the people in it, and in my other classes. I would like, if I may, to talk about some of the people that you will find in every classroom, office, line at the airport, or party. These assholes who unwittingly make themselves the bane of your fucking existence.

1. The Self-Giggler: The Self-Giggler sucks. They have good intentions and they’re usually a nice person, but they spend most of their time making unfunny comments and then giggling in a very loud, mannish way. I say mannish, because the Self-Giggler is almost always a woman. See, when you don’t have a typical class clown, a power vacuum is created, allowing people who would normally shut the fuck up during class, but see this as the opportunity to try out their failed stand-up dream act. The Self-Giggler is never a funny person. Generally, the way they work, is that when the teacher says something, such as asking a question or whatever, the Self-Giggler takes it upon themselves to answer the question and then giggle uncontrollably. Fuck you.

Yeah, you're totally tough.

2. The Fact-Checker: There are two types of Fact-Checkers. The annoying one, and the awesome one. The awesome one is the person who calls the teacher on their shit. For instance, my suddenly racist Psychology professor made mention about how Tiger Woods was, not only a white person in spirit, but also a Christian because he’s black. This girl in the front row corrected him, saying that Tiger Woods was a Buddhist. The Professor then said that he may say that he’s a Buddhist, but he was raised Christian. I then took it upon myself to Wikipedia the shit out of that only to find out that not only is Tiger Woods a Buddhist, but he was raised Buddhist. Then the professor made heavy use of the words ‘brotha’ and ‘bling’. It was rather disconcerting.

Then there’s the annoying Fact-Checker. This is the person, usually someone who’s heavily into the military. Nothing against the military, that’s just the way it is. Anyway, this person doesn’t call the teacher on their shit, they’re too respectful for that. Instead, they confirm things the teacher said, or answer questions in exhaustive detail and just won’t shut the fuck up.

"A PEANUT IS ACTUALLY A LEGUME. DEATH TO HUMANS."

3. The Underling: This treacherous little toe-rag is the henchman of whoever holds the most power in the class. Generally the self-appointed class clown (who is usually an asshole and gets all his humor from Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia) ends up with the Underling. The Underling has no personality. They define themselves entirely by the people around them. They never instigate laughter, they only copy it. They generally suck ass.

4. The Diva: The Diva is the person who is probably obsessed with Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers and think that they’re the next big sensation. They try to start fashion trends, have whatever the newest phone is, and namedrop the shit out of celebrities that they’ve never met. There was a dude (that’s right, a guy Diva) in my Art Class (who also was caught jacking off in class in like, 10th grade) who was voted by my buddy for the previously un-heard of senior superlative “Most Likely to be a Sassy Black Woman”.

So rad.

Oh, wait, holy shit, this is Super Star Fantasy Blog’s 100th post!! Congratulations Me!

Fuck yeah.

Zombie Webcomic Coming Soon

Hello, loyal readers of the Super Star Fantasy Blog! I’m just writing to let you know that I’ll be starting a new blog within the next two weeks (while still updating this one) which will be a zombie webcomic that I’ve been writing and drawing for the past few days. Since I haven’t posted in a few days, I figured that I would tell you a little about the history of the comic and how it came to be a webcomic.

BLARG!

I first decided to do the comic about a year and a half ago at the end of my senior year of high school. It was gonna be a black and white comic based on the adventures of my friends and I in the zombie apocalypse. I had no plans for it other than to entertain my friends. Over the course of a bunch of months, I slowly drew out the first issue, all 22 pain-staking pages of it. I drew that issue without a plan for the story, figuring that once I had the first issue done, I would then write the second issue, and then draw and ink it to see which way worked better. In the end, writing beforehand always works.

After a long time of not even thinking about it, I found the pages one day and realized that the art was pretty terrible. So, I decided that, using the crappy pages as a template, I would finally write out a script for the first issue and then draw it like I probably should have done in the first place. This happened at the beginning of the summer, so that’s kind of a testament as to how lazy I am when it comes to drawing comics. After about 11 pages or so of decent art, and ten pages of inking, I kinda stopped for a while. In fact, as I write this, the pages in question are on the bed above me, the 11th page still half-finished. Anyway, I’ve now decided to start the story completely over as a day-by-day webcomic with a different start. Though, I’ll probably use all of the ideas I came up with a year ago which were pretty fucking sweet.

GLURGH!

Anyway, I guess what I’m saying here is that you should check out my webcomic when I start posting it and I hope you like it.

Diary of the Dead Discussion

So, I just finished watching Diary of the Dead for the second time (well, everything after the first half hour where nothing really happens), and I was struck with a thought. Now, at the end of the movie, the last three survivors (two college students and their drunken British Professor) lock themselves in a panic room and the main woman shows a clip of two hunters using zombies that are tied to trees as targets. And she’s all, ‘Who’s the real monsters? Are we worth saving?’ (Para-phrasing). Now, as much as I love George Romero’s zombie movies (check out Survival of the Dead because it’s pretty awesome and bad), this struck me as really stupid.

Overall, the movie was pretty meh.

Keep in mind that this group has been traveling for a while, filming everything they did including the number of people in their group that were killed by zombies, the main girl’s family became zombies, and all this other crap they had to go through. Then, she has the balls to question who the real monsters were just because a couple good ol’ boys were getting their kicks by shooting UNDEAD MURDERING CANNIBALS? What is wrong with her? And it’s not like they were pulling their arms off, or setting them on fire or whatever. They were just shooting them.

Maybe if it was a movie about like, terrorism or Communists or whatever where we see the army using torture, then we could ask who the real monster is, but we’re talking about dead people that will bite you in the face and turn you into one of them. There is nothing wrong with enjoying killing zombies. That’s why games like Dead Rising and Left 4 Dead exist, because there is literally no guilt in killing a zombie. It’s not like a cure or whatever would help them. They’re already dead. Kill as many as you want in whatever way you want. The less of them there are, the safer humans are.

"FUCK! YOU!"

I can tell you that in a zombie apocalypse, after the initial shock wore off and everyone that survived was used to traveling and living off of canned food and stuff, the only thing you would have for fun would be books, other people, and figuring out the most entertaining ways to kill zombies. Like, what else would you do all day when there’s probably no electricity?

Anyone else care to comment on the morality or whatever of zombie murder (which isn’t really murder since they’re already dead).

Why do Weird groups and people post here?

I don’t get a lot of comments on this blog, but when I do, they’re almost always the weirdest things I’ve ever read. Here are two odd comments that have been made and how I’ve responded to them.

This was posted in my article about Clowns from last week:

“Dear friend we accidently found a group named fuck india on facebook after that we searched for anti indian groups and found lots of anti indian groups are there and then we searched for anti us groups and dosn’t able to find a single one. In fuck india group they uploaded
videos showing that some one is raping mother india. Is it ok for u. and one itresting fact
that facebook already received more than 10 lakh request to close fuck india group but they
are not closing the group.

So we are forced to think that why indians are using facebook and compromising with the dignity of our country. Atlast we came to thought that none of the indian networking sites
are available for indians and they need one to communicate and that forced us to develope
a indian social network http://inbook.in where we can communicate make friends and do what
ever we want even you can advertise your product and business free of cost. and we are also
donating 10 paisa / new user for the welfare of childrens in our country and al this we are
doing only for protest against the facebook attitude because we thought instead of filing
request to close fuck india group if only 2000 members quit face book then they will defineltly
close the fuck india group because if they lose the members it means they will lose the revnue
so at last only one thing

be indian be inbooker join http://inbook.in

waiting for your reply
I think you will help me in my mission. Waiting for real indians.“

Like, what the fuck does this have to do with anything I've ever written on here?

Right? What the hell? Anyway, here’s my response:

“First of all, I don’t know what the hell this has to do with an article about fucking scary clowns.

Second of all, from skimming your comment, I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t really care about that. I don’t like to see any group of people mis-treated (unless it’s Rosie O’Donnell fans), but we live in America and Americans have their freedom of speech. Most of them use it for racism and crap like that, but that’s the way the world is. Closing down a facebook group shan’t stop people from being ignorant and just fucking stupid.
As an epilogue to this response, I would like to point out that my blog gets barely any readers on a good day, so posting your message here was very ill-advised.
Also, what makes you think I’m Indian? It’s not like this blog has any articles that specifically deal with any one race of people, so…yeah.“

Was I too hard on them? I mean, they’ve got enough trouble being persecuted or whatever, but seriously, why get offended at a fucking Facebook group? That’s like if someone made a group called, “Kill all the Honkys”. I wouldn’t take that shit personally, I would probably laugh since ‘Honky’ is one of my favorite words, though.

Here is Google's interpretation of 'Honky'.

Then, there was this guy who said that Russian guys were holding him captive and forcing him to sell penis pills. Well, I guess he puts it best:

“I’m currently being held prisoner by the Russian mafia penis enlargement penis enlargement and being forced to post spam comments on blogs and forum! If you don’t approve this they will kill me. penis enlargement penis enlargement They’re coming back now. vimaxvimax Please send help! nitip penis enlargement penis enlargement“

Aw, fuck. I accidentally clicked on the guy’s website (I swear it was accidental. I was copying and pasting and clicked. My penis is fine). Now I have, buypenisenlargement.com in my history.

Anyway, here’s my response:

“If you’re being held by the Russian mob, isn’t that probably your fault? And wouldn’t a better use of your internet, when the mob isn’t raping you and peeling off fingernails, of course, to be actually asking someone for real help instead of trying to increase the size of their junk?
Fuck you.“

Or, more importantly, fuck the guys who are apparently forcing you to do this.

So, yeah. Feel free to post your insane ads or whatever on the blog and this sort of thing may turn into regular posts.

How to Instigate an Affair

We at the Super Star Fantasy Blog (Your Girlfriend’s Favorite Blog), know that UPS guys, and Mail Men, and Milk Men only got that job for one reason. To bang lonely housewives. And before you start with the whole, ‘well, there’s female UPS people, and Mail Men, and such’, there isn’t. Anyway, to help you when you go trollin’ for poon, stopping only to deliver a package to a dude, here’s some tips that probably will help you.

There's a reason 100% of convicted sex offenders become UPS guys.

1. Remember their names: One of the sexiest things you can do for a housewife who feels neglected by her husband is to remember her name when you deliver packages. This will get them so hot and bothered that eventually you’ll be delivering daily packages…of DICK! See, this is a basic rule for any situation where you want a certain person to like you. Remember their name, and prove it often. You may sound autistic to other people, but your target will be melting in her Victoria’s Secret panties that she ordered from the catalog her husband was jerking it to. And he didn’t even compliment her on them!

2. Be friendly with their dog. ARF!: Every lonely housewife has a dog. That’s just a straight-up fact. Make sure to remember the houses of sexy ladies with dogs. Also, make sure to bring dog treats in your front pocket. However, make sure you only have one, and leave the rest in your truck, otherwise the sexy lady may realize that you’re trying to get up in all the neighborhood’s other sexy ladies. Anyway, be all nice and stuff with the dog. If you’re a dog person, awesome, it’ll come naturally. If not, then fake it. It’ll be worth it when you’re face deep in the boob job her husband paid for and never even motor-boated.

Remember: Implants don't always equal hot.

3. Look like Fabio: Seriously. Women dig the shit out of Fabio. If you can look as much like him as possible, you can pretty much ignore any other rule on this list.

4. Listen to her Woman problems: Other than looking like Fabio, there is nothing sexier to a woman than a man who listens. You can fake this by imagining yourself taking part in fist fights and awesome car chases in your mind while she’s gabbing. Try to train your mind to hear key phrases such as, ‘leaving him’, ‘someone to go dancing with’, and ‘need some dick’. If a woman is telling you intimate problems like these, they probably want you. Probably.

POW! BIFF! SCREEEEECH! PKOW! PKOW! BOOOOOOOOOOOMM!!

5. Watch those shitty Real Housewives shows: I know that, as a man, or a rational, sane human being, all of those Real Housewives shows make you want to jab yourself in the face with an ice pick, but, for the sake of poon tang, watch them, or at least watch The Soup since they’ll show half the episode because of how incredibly retarded it is. Women love these shows for some reason, probably in the same way that the Nazis severely fucked people up. In the name of Science and looking down on creatures that are simpler than you. Anyway, when you deliver packages (regular ones for now, not the dick ones), you can drop hints that you’re aware of what happened in last weeks episode of the D.C. one with that British woman who I’m certain used to be (or still is) a dude. That should get her panties soaking.

6. If all else fails, Roofies: Now, I don’t recommend this approach, but seriously, you’re a delivery man. If you can’t nail a lonely housewives with all those tips above, then you’re clearly desperate and probably look like the Elephant Man. Go find the guy in your city who has the adjective, ‘Shady’ before their name. That guy probably has roofies. Then, well, if you know where to get roofies, you probably know what to do at this point and I’m too much of a gentleman to discuss such things with ladies present. Sexy, sexy ladies.

Wait...you're not even a deliver guy at all!

7. Fuck it, there’s no women reading this: Okay, what you need to do is, while you’re drinking your glasses of cheap wine, chatting about the Real Housewives and looking like Fabio, subtly slip the roofie into her drink while distracting her and probably copping a quick feel. Wait for a little while and don’t make a show of staring at her drink. Just hope, pray that she doesn’t see the bubbles in the wine. Those fucking bubbles! They’re trying to warn her! Wait, no, it’s okay. She drank it. Any time now…YES! She’s out. Okay, now what you want to do is drag her to your van and drive to the abandoned warehouse you passed by earlier. After making sure that there’s no hobos about, bring the lady in. Now we get to the fun part. You want to take your hunting knife and start cutting her skin off. It’s pretty normal that she’ll start waking up at this point, but that’s why you want an abandoned factory. Eventually, she’ll be dead from a combination of blood-loss and having no skin. Now wear the skin. Mission accomplished! ALRIGHT!

You did it! The World may not understand, but that's okay. You're just living your life.

This Goddamned Music Appreciation Video. Jesus Christ…

Today is my second Music Appreciation class, a class that I only have once a week for a little over an hour. The class itself is fine, we basically just learn about instruments, their sounds, and crap like that that is apparently required for whatever degree I’m working toward. But today, right now as I type this (though it probably won’t be published until around midnight), we’re watching the fucking worst thing I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s a video, either from the American 70′s, or from the British 80′s or 90′s. They have apparently decided to get together a dream team of the dip-shittingest people they can that also happen to know how to play an instrument. It’s fucking bad, I guess is my point.

The main guy, a conductor who looks like a British, totally lame Zach Galifianakis, is probably a rapist. He’s wearing a nice blue turtle-neck and offers the audience a lingering, lust-filled stare every single time that he’s finished speaking.

A lot like this, but with a beard instead of a moustache.

The Speakers!

1. Some Woodwind Instrument Guy- This is an American guy who is showing us how to play some Woodwind Instrument. I don’t remember what it is because I was too focused on the fact that he looked and probably smelled like murdered child laborers. He starts talking about his reeds, and then tells this story about how he was teaching 6th graders to play whatever his instrument was. Apparently, he would challenge the children to blow into a balloon for as long as he was playing his instrument.

This Just In: The British Conductor just pronounced Homo-Sapiens, ‘Homo-Sap-iens’! Holy shit!

Anyway, we are then shown like, 30 straight seconds of a little fat kid blowing up an orange balloon while the guy plays his instrument. I thought it was some art-house indie-film type scene, but it was just showing the cruelty of this man. Finally, after a very uncomfortable 30 seconds, the balloon pops and the creepy guy comes back on and explains that the kid fucking passed out because he’s a dick. After that, the guy is all out of breath, and probably goes to sneak into a kindergarten class or something.

2. Some Fat Guy- I spent too much time writing that last part, so I can’t remember anyone else that was talking, so I’ll talk about this hilariously out of breath fat guy. He was holding a French Horn or something and talking hilariously like every fat person who has ever been in a sitcom ever. That is all.

Later on, there’s this guy who’s making noises with his cheeks and stuff. He really sucked.

But not awesome like Michael Winslow.

The Walking Dead Trailer Awesome

Holy shit, the official high quality trailer for AMC’s The Walking Dead. I’m GODdamned pumped. It starts on Halloween Night and the pilot is 90 minutes. Fucking watch it.

That music at the end fits so perfectly.

EXCITED.

Why Clowns are Frightening as Shit

As we all know, Clowns are one of the most frightening things on the planet. They look scary, they act scary, they murder scarily, and they entirely are scary. I rest my case. However, since that wouldn’t make for a very good article, here ya go.

They Look Scary- Have you ever seen a clown? This is a clown.

Seriously, look at this piece of shit.

Red lips. Multi-colored hair. Face paint. Frilly clothes. By themselves, people can look like anything from a whore, a punk, a Kabuki actor, or a Shakespearean character. However, the combination of all of these things makes a bat-shit terrifyingly horrific creature of the night. How is it that clowns are still around in this day and age? Everybody can agree that they’re scary as shit, but we still let them near our children. What the fuck.

They Act Scary- Do you know why most people don’t go around, kidnapping children, and slapping nuns with fish? Because it’s fucked up, that’s why. That’s what clowns do every day of their goddamn lives and we should hang all of them. Probably with ropes that are on fire with trapeze artists on the end of them. Just you watch, the next time you turn on the news, it’ll be about clowns kidnapping and molesting the shit out of a bus of children. Premonition.

Then they turn the children into one of them.

They Murder Scarily- Clowns have no definite M.O. They’re all over the place when it comes to murder. Pick your poison, chainsaw, cannibalism, shooting, poison, knife, bigger knife, grenade, glitter-death, awesome launcher, super combustibles. Stuff like that.

Just another day for Ronald.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, stay the fuck away from me, clowns.