Why do Weird groups and people post here?

I don’t get a lot of comments on this blog, but when I do, they’re almost always the weirdest things I’ve ever read. Here are two odd comments that have been made and how I’ve responded to them.

This was posted in my article about Clowns from last week:

“Dear friend we accidently found a group named fuck india on facebook after that we searched for anti indian groups and found lots of anti indian groups are there and then we searched for anti us groups and dosn’t able to find a single one. In fuck india group they uploaded
videos showing that some one is raping mother india. Is it ok for u. and one itresting fact
that facebook already received more than 10 lakh request to close fuck india group but they
are not closing the group.

So we are forced to think that why indians are using facebook and compromising with the dignity of our country. Atlast we came to thought that none of the indian networking sites
are available for indians and they need one to communicate and that forced us to develope
a indian social network http://inbook.in where we can communicate make friends and do what
ever we want even you can advertise your product and business free of cost. and we are also
donating 10 paisa / new user for the welfare of childrens in our country and al this we are
doing only for protest against the facebook attitude because we thought instead of filing
request to close fuck india group if only 2000 members quit face book then they will defineltly
close the fuck india group because if they lose the members it means they will lose the revnue
so at last only one thing

be indian be inbooker join http://inbook.in

waiting for your reply
I think you will help me in my mission. Waiting for real indians.“

Like, what the fuck does this have to do with anything I've ever written on here?

Right? What the hell? Anyway, here’s my response:

“First of all, I don’t know what the hell this has to do with an article about fucking scary clowns.

Second of all, from skimming your comment, I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t really care about that. I don’t like to see any group of people mis-treated (unless it’s Rosie O’Donnell fans), but we live in America and Americans have their freedom of speech. Most of them use it for racism and crap like that, but that’s the way the world is. Closing down a facebook group shan’t stop people from being ignorant and just fucking stupid.
As an epilogue to this response, I would like to point out that my blog gets barely any readers on a good day, so posting your message here was very ill-advised.
Also, what makes you think I’m Indian? It’s not like this blog has any articles that specifically deal with any one race of people, so…yeah.“

Was I too hard on them? I mean, they’ve got enough trouble being persecuted or whatever, but seriously, why get offended at a fucking Facebook group? That’s like if someone made a group called, “Kill all the Honkys”. I wouldn’t take that shit personally, I would probably laugh since ‘Honky’ is one of my favorite words, though.

Here is Google's interpretation of 'Honky'.

Then, there was this guy who said that Russian guys were holding him captive and forcing him to sell penis pills. Well, I guess he puts it best:

“I’m currently being held prisoner by the Russian mafia penis enlargement penis enlargement and being forced to post spam comments on blogs and forum! If you don’t approve this they will kill me. penis enlargement penis enlargement They’re coming back now. vimaxvimax Please send help! nitip penis enlargement penis enlargement“

Aw, fuck. I accidentally clicked on the guy’s website (I swear it was accidental. I was copying and pasting and clicked. My penis is fine). Now I have, buypenisenlargement.com in my history.

Anyway, here’s my response:

“If you’re being held by the Russian mob, isn’t that probably your fault? And wouldn’t a better use of your internet, when the mob isn’t raping you and peeling off fingernails, of course, to be actually asking someone for real help instead of trying to increase the size of their junk?
Fuck you.“

Or, more importantly, fuck the guys who are apparently forcing you to do this.

So, yeah. Feel free to post your insane ads or whatever on the blog and this sort of thing may turn into regular posts.

How to Instigate an Affair

We at the Super Star Fantasy Blog (Your Girlfriend’s Favorite Blog), know that UPS guys, and Mail Men, and Milk Men only got that job for one reason. To bang lonely housewives. And before you start with the whole, ‘well, there’s female UPS people, and Mail Men, and such’, there isn’t. Anyway, to help you when you go trollin’ for poon, stopping only to deliver a package to a dude, here’s some tips that probably will help you.

There's a reason 100% of convicted sex offenders become UPS guys.

1. Remember their names: One of the sexiest things you can do for a housewife who feels neglected by her husband is to remember her name when you deliver packages. This will get them so hot and bothered that eventually you’ll be delivering daily packages…of DICK! See, this is a basic rule for any situation where you want a certain person to like you. Remember their name, and prove it often. You may sound autistic to other people, but your target will be melting in her Victoria’s Secret panties that she ordered from the catalog her husband was jerking it to. And he didn’t even compliment her on them!

2. Be friendly with their dog. ARF!: Every lonely housewife has a dog. That’s just a straight-up fact. Make sure to remember the houses of sexy ladies with dogs. Also, make sure to bring dog treats in your front pocket. However, make sure you only have one, and leave the rest in your truck, otherwise the sexy lady may realize that you’re trying to get up in all the neighborhood’s other sexy ladies. Anyway, be all nice and stuff with the dog. If you’re a dog person, awesome, it’ll come naturally. If not, then fake it. It’ll be worth it when you’re face deep in the boob job her husband paid for and never even motor-boated.

Remember: Implants don't always equal hot.

3. Look like Fabio: Seriously. Women dig the shit out of Fabio. If you can look as much like him as possible, you can pretty much ignore any other rule on this list.

4. Listen to her Woman problems: Other than looking like Fabio, there is nothing sexier to a woman than a man who listens. You can fake this by imagining yourself taking part in fist fights and awesome car chases in your mind while she’s gabbing. Try to train your mind to hear key phrases such as, ‘leaving him’, ‘someone to go dancing with’, and ‘need some dick’. If a woman is telling you intimate problems like these, they probably want you. Probably.

POW! BIFF! SCREEEEECH! PKOW! PKOW! BOOOOOOOOOOOMM!!

5. Watch those shitty Real Housewives shows: I know that, as a man, or a rational, sane human being, all of those Real Housewives shows make you want to jab yourself in the face with an ice pick, but, for the sake of poon tang, watch them, or at least watch The Soup since they’ll show half the episode because of how incredibly retarded it is. Women love these shows for some reason, probably in the same way that the Nazis severely fucked people up. In the name of Science and looking down on creatures that are simpler than you. Anyway, when you deliver packages (regular ones for now, not the dick ones), you can drop hints that you’re aware of what happened in last weeks episode of the D.C. one with that British woman who I’m certain used to be (or still is) a dude. That should get her panties soaking.

6. If all else fails, Roofies: Now, I don’t recommend this approach, but seriously, you’re a delivery man. If you can’t nail a lonely housewives with all those tips above, then you’re clearly desperate and probably look like the Elephant Man. Go find the guy in your city who has the adjective, ‘Shady’ before their name. That guy probably has roofies. Then, well, if you know where to get roofies, you probably know what to do at this point and I’m too much of a gentleman to discuss such things with ladies present. Sexy, sexy ladies.

Wait...you're not even a deliver guy at all!

7. Fuck it, there’s no women reading this: Okay, what you need to do is, while you’re drinking your glasses of cheap wine, chatting about the Real Housewives and looking like Fabio, subtly slip the roofie into her drink while distracting her and probably copping a quick feel. Wait for a little while and don’t make a show of staring at her drink. Just hope, pray that she doesn’t see the bubbles in the wine. Those fucking bubbles! They’re trying to warn her! Wait, no, it’s okay. She drank it. Any time now…YES! She’s out. Okay, now what you want to do is drag her to your van and drive to the abandoned warehouse you passed by earlier. After making sure that there’s no hobos about, bring the lady in. Now we get to the fun part. You want to take your hunting knife and start cutting her skin off. It’s pretty normal that she’ll start waking up at this point, but that’s why you want an abandoned factory. Eventually, she’ll be dead from a combination of blood-loss and having no skin. Now wear the skin. Mission accomplished! ALRIGHT!

You did it! The World may not understand, but that's okay. You're just living your life.

This Goddamned Music Appreciation Video. Jesus Christ…

Today is my second Music Appreciation class, a class that I only have once a week for a little over an hour. The class itself is fine, we basically just learn about instruments, their sounds, and crap like that that is apparently required for whatever degree I’m working toward. But today, right now as I type this (though it probably won’t be published until around midnight), we’re watching the fucking worst thing I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s a video, either from the American 70′s, or from the British 80′s or 90′s. They have apparently decided to get together a dream team of the dip-shittingest people they can that also happen to know how to play an instrument. It’s fucking bad, I guess is my point.

The main guy, a conductor who looks like a British, totally lame Zach Galifianakis, is probably a rapist. He’s wearing a nice blue turtle-neck and offers the audience a lingering, lust-filled stare every single time that he’s finished speaking.

A lot like this, but with a beard instead of a moustache.

The Speakers!

1. Some Woodwind Instrument Guy- This is an American guy who is showing us how to play some Woodwind Instrument. I don’t remember what it is because I was too focused on the fact that he looked and probably smelled like murdered child laborers. He starts talking about his reeds, and then tells this story about how he was teaching 6th graders to play whatever his instrument was. Apparently, he would challenge the children to blow into a balloon for as long as he was playing his instrument.

This Just In: The British Conductor just pronounced Homo-Sapiens, ‘Homo-Sap-iens’! Holy shit!

Anyway, we are then shown like, 30 straight seconds of a little fat kid blowing up an orange balloon while the guy plays his instrument. I thought it was some art-house indie-film type scene, but it was just showing the cruelty of this man. Finally, after a very uncomfortable 30 seconds, the balloon pops and the creepy guy comes back on and explains that the kid fucking passed out because he’s a dick. After that, the guy is all out of breath, and probably goes to sneak into a kindergarten class or something.

2. Some Fat Guy- I spent too much time writing that last part, so I can’t remember anyone else that was talking, so I’ll talk about this hilariously out of breath fat guy. He was holding a French Horn or something and talking hilariously like every fat person who has ever been in a sitcom ever. That is all.

Later on, there’s this guy who’s making noises with his cheeks and stuff. He really sucked.

But not awesome like Michael Winslow.

The Walking Dead Trailer Awesome

Holy shit, the official high quality trailer for AMC’s The Walking Dead. I’m GODdamned pumped. It starts on Halloween Night and the pilot is 90 minutes. Fucking watch it.

That music at the end fits so perfectly.

EXCITED.

Why Clowns are Frightening as Shit

As we all know, Clowns are one of the most frightening things on the planet. They look scary, they act scary, they murder scarily, and they entirely are scary. I rest my case. However, since that wouldn’t make for a very good article, here ya go.

They Look Scary- Have you ever seen a clown? This is a clown.

Seriously, look at this piece of shit.

Red lips. Multi-colored hair. Face paint. Frilly clothes. By themselves, people can look like anything from a whore, a punk, a Kabuki actor, or a Shakespearean character. However, the combination of all of these things makes a bat-shit terrifyingly horrific creature of the night. How is it that clowns are still around in this day and age? Everybody can agree that they’re scary as shit, but we still let them near our children. What the fuck.

They Act Scary- Do you know why most people don’t go around, kidnapping children, and slapping nuns with fish? Because it’s fucked up, that’s why. That’s what clowns do every day of their goddamn lives and we should hang all of them. Probably with ropes that are on fire with trapeze artists on the end of them. Just you watch, the next time you turn on the news, it’ll be about clowns kidnapping and molesting the shit out of a bus of children. Premonition.

Then they turn the children into one of them.

They Murder Scarily- Clowns have no definite M.O. They’re all over the place when it comes to murder. Pick your poison, chainsaw, cannibalism, shooting, poison, knife, bigger knife, grenade, glitter-death, awesome launcher, super combustibles. Stuff like that.

Just another day for Ronald.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, stay the fuck away from me, clowns.

28 Days Later is never not Awesome

As all people who are aware of existence know, 28 Days Later is one bitching movie. It basically introduced the idea of zombies who aren’t dead, but rather infected people, who run really fast and will murder you to death some more. It was also the movie that made Cillian Murphy’s career and that turned out pretty awesomely (see Christopher Nolan’s Batman movies, Sunshine, and Inception, dawg).

I was thinking like, a joke about fisting here.

The film starts out with footage of riots and such, then we see some dickheads breaking into some lab with monkeys in it. This whiny scientist is all, “No, don’t let the monkey bite you, leading to kick-ass adventures in the post-apocalypse!”. Then, the monkey bites this lady and all hell breaks loose. Immediately, Cillian Murphy wakes up all naked and such in a hospital bed, having been in a coma because that’s how much ass he kicks. After getting on some scrubs and drinking some Pepsi, he hits the road, walking around the desolate streets of London and calling for people with his hobo bag of soda cans. Eventually, he comes to a church and totally fucking clocks this infected priest of whatever in the head with his hobo bag. It was pretty sweet. After a rousing chase around the streets with some more infected, this lady, Selena, and some dude save him with the cunning use of molotov cocktails and they also hit the road, eventually going to Cillian Murphy’s house. He finds his dead parents there with a note for him and the other dude gets infected, but doesn’t turn yet. Wasting no time, Selena kills the shit out of him with her oddly angled machete. It was awesome.

"FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!"

After some more on the roading, they end up in a tower block and befriend this big dude, Frank, I think. And his daughter, Hannah. Cillian Murphy shaves the rest of his head and his stubble, and they set off again for greener pastures. See, they heard on the radio that there is safety somewhere that is not where they are, so they go, uh, there. After some camping out and heavy use of valium, they find the military whatever and think they’re safe, only to discover that there’s nobody there. Frank gets infected via blood in his eye from the beak of a crow, and flips the fuck out before the military shoots him to death. Yeah, they were around all along, just hanging. They take Cillian Murphy and his crew to their base and it is eventually revealed that the leader, Doctor Who just wants Selena and Hannah so his men can A.) get their rocks off, and B.) repopulate the world. Yeah, he’s fucking crazy.

The price all rapists should pay. Fuck you.

Doctor Who decides to have his men execute Cillian Murphy out in the woods with this big ol’ pile of corpses. After this other soldier who they were also gonna execute inadvertently caused a distraction, Cillian Murphy makes a break for it. First by hiding in the body pile, then when the soldiers run off looking for him, Cillian Murphy totally hops the fence, tearing his shirt off all sexy like, and starts fucking destroying all the military dickheads, also he releases an infected soldier whom they were keeping for study. After some awesome eye-gouging (pictured above), Cillian Murphy, Selena, and Hannah fuck away off, but Cillian Murphy totally gets shot by Doctor Who, who is then killed by infected soldiers. The three make their getaway and Cillian Murphy wakes up a while later, all healed and, as a plane flies over, the three role out their large fabric letters, reading, “HELLO”. So feel-good. Other than the alternate ending where Jim dies in the hospital after being shot. Yeah.

Holy Shit, Rebel Monkeys

Today, I discovered the greatest show that has ever existed. Fucking Rebel Monkeys. It’s a reality show about monkeys.

You read that right.

It’s about this group of monkeys in India who chill out in this temple where they’re revered as Gods or whatever, but they’re all total assholes. I’ve only seen 3 episodes so far, and I don’t know how many I’ve missed up to now, but it is awesome. In the bits I saw, this group of monkeys in the main group gets exiled, so they have to survive out in the city, foraging for food and generally getting into all sorts of shenanigans.

It's awesome because all the monkeys look like hardened criminals.

There was a passing reference to an ice cream vendor that they robbed a year previous, so when they try to get ice cream again, he’s locked his cart and they can’t get in. It’s so hilarious. They’re like little people!

Then, the monkeys go to this candy (?) shop and break in through the back so they can eat sweets and get their monkey balls all over the nice things! After that, there was a montage of the monkeys eating candy things while sitting on walls with their little people hands. It kicks so much ass.

Also, the city has an official monkey catcher. Like, that’s a real job that a real person has. He basically just drives around in his three wheel truck and keeps a hawk eye out for misbehaving monkeys. Then, there was this crazy fucker who dressed up like a giant monkey to ward off real monkeys from this hospital, and then this hotel that the monkeys decided to hang out at. They were like, playing in the sprinkler, and drinking water, and eating bugs from each other, and one of those retards tried to eat a kite! It rocked.

Rebel Monkey (Ape)

Also, there was this badass monkey called ‘Fang’ who had like, a hair lip and one of his lower fangs stuck out. And the monkeys wanted to eat food at the market, but I guess that was Fang’s territory, and he was all, “Nuh-uh.” and they were all, “C’mon, guy.” and he was all, “Nuh-uh.” so they left. Then, all these rapey monkeys showed up and wanted to do some of the sex with the girl monkeys, but they just sort of left and didn’t do the sex.

After that, the monkeys needed to find someplace to stay since they got banished from their temple, so they found an old abandoned, and probably haunted temple, but there’s no food or water, so the episode ended with the narrator all like, “So, now they have to find a better place to stay, bitches.” and I was all, “Oh, SHIT.”

These guys are assholes.

Oh, also, there were copious monkey balls, and the monkeys totally stole the lunch bags from some kids at a school, but apparently Indian kids are really tough because they were like, standing up to the monkeys and the monkeys were hissing back at them, and like, slapping their hands. It was really really funny. You need to watch this.

Why You Should Watch The Walking Dead: A Preemptive Advert

Sunday, October 24th 2010. Keep that night fucking open because The Walking Dead fucking starts on fucking AMC. And it’s going to be fucking epic. As anyone who keeps up with this blog (like, less than twelve people) know, The Walking Dead is an awesome comic series about a group of survivors living through the zombie apocalypse. Awesomely.

See this? Drawn by the guy who does the Star Wars posters. Fuck you.

Also, here are some reasons that you should watch it and stuff.

Zombies- Well, I mean, that’s pretty damn obvious. As far as I know, there has never been an American television series about a zombie apocalypse. Though, that kind of sucks, because no future show will ever be as good as The Walking Dead will be. Like all good zombies, these ones shamble around, biting the shit out of people and spreading the disease around. When a person is bitten, they generally die because of all the nightmarish bacteria in their mouths and such. However, if the infected limb is cut off in time, the person may end up living. However, if a person is killed with their brain intact and without being bitten, they’ll still come back since the disease is apparently airborne and stuff.

Frank Darabont- Frank Darabont is a fancy Hollywood director, having directed The Shawshank Redemption, The Mist, and some other stuff, too. Because of this, there are also rumors that there will be a DVD version of the show released in Black and White which will be fucking epic. See, when The Mist came out on DVD, there was a B&W version of the film. It will be epic. Fucking.

Plus, he wears Hawaiian shirts like a champ.

British Man!- That’s right, for anyone that’s seen Love Actually (Which was a totally awesome movie, by the way) probably remembers the guy that was in love with Kiera Knightley, but she was already married and he was all, “Well, I love you anyways”, and she was all, “Tch! G’wan!! LOL!”. Anyway, that guy, Andrew Lincoln, is playing main character, Rick Grimes. A badass cop who ends up looking like a Viking and gets his hand cut off. The first episode is mostly him by himself other than when he meets Morgan and Duane Jones. However, there are pictures of him when he first arrives in Atlanta which is completely overrun with Zombies! It’s badass!

He's gonna kill some zombies. And you can't do shit about it.

It’s near me- Uh, I guess this doesn’t really apply to most of you, but this show is shooting not 30 fucking miles away from me! I’m all sorts of excited about that. They even closed down a few blocks of Atlanta so they could put a parade of zombies through the streets chasing a man on a horse. Then they ate the horse. Then Rick was all, “Oh, no they didn’t!” and the zombies were all, “Ruargh…”.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World: The Movie

After months of waiting around, not doing a thing, I was finally able to see Scott Pilgrim vs. the World last night. And it was fucking incredible. First of all, I had planned a whole group thing with some friends to go see it Thursday night at midnight. After weeks of asking people to go, I found out a few days ago that there was no midnight show in my area. Fuck.

This is how upset I was. Endangered upset.

Anyway, I eventually told everyone that the midnight show wasn’t happening and rescheduled for Friday night. Only a few people showed up due to a combination of a storm, rescheduling, and such, but that’s beside the point. The movie rocked.

After a few mediocre trailers, including one starring Justin Long, Drew Barrymore, and Charlie from ‘It’s Always Sunny’ which actually looked really good if not for the fact that fucking Drew Barrymore’s face was in it, the movie started. Like completely awesomely with a pixelated Universal logo.

After a quick introduction including the name, age, and rating of the characters, we get to see Sex Bob-omb rock the fuck out. And they do. Like, hard. We are shown Scott Pilgrim’s life, dating a high schooler, living with his roomate in a crappy little apartment, and going to band practice. However, while dreaming, he meets Ramona Flowers and then finds out that not only does she exist, but she’s at a party that Scott is attending. After a hilariously awkward (not Michael Cera awkward, but just regular awkward. It’s nice to know he can do both) greeting, the two part ways never to see again. Except that they totally do. when Scott orders some CD’s since she works for Amazon.ca. He convinces her to hang out with him and they end the night half-naked in Ramona’s bed. Sex does not happen, though.

None at all.

Eventually, Sex Bob-omb plays in the first round of the Battle of the Bands against Crash and the Boys (that one band, with Crash, and those boys. I hate them). Halfway through Sex Bob-omb’s set, Matthew Patel, Ramona’s first evil ex crashes through the roof and attacks Scott on stage. After a brief fight, including Matthew doing a short Bollywood number with some hipster demon chicks and explaining that he’s Ramona’s first evil ex, Scott punches him until he turns into coins. Fuck you, physics.

On the bus ride home, Ramona explains that if her and Scott are gonna continue dating, he’ll have to defeat her seven evil exes. Their ranks include an action star, a vegan rocker, a lesbian half-ninja, DJ twins, and a smarmy business man. All of them are kinda dicks. After a particularly awesome fight between the action star, Lucas Lee’s stunt crew, Scott tricks Lee into grinding down a ridiculously long rail, exploding himself when he hits the bottom.

After this, Scott hears that his ex-girlfriend, Envy Adams is back in town, playing with her band, The Clash at Demonhead, whose bassist is Todd Ingram, evil ex number 3. He was probably my favorite of the evil exes, but I wish they had used the drummer, Lynette instead of just having her show up for a few seconds. Anyway, after an awesome cameo by Thomas Jane and Clifton Collins, Jr., Scott headbutts Todd, causing him to explode, and then has to fight Roxy Richter, the half-ninja at the Clash at Demonhead’s after party. Since Scott can’t hit a girl, Ramona grabs his arms and beats the shit out of her, culminating in Roxy orgasming to death. Seriously.

After a pretty bad fight (emotional, not fist), Ramona breaks it off with Scott. Soon enough, Sex Bob-omb has to go against the Katayanagi twins in the 2nd round of the Battle of the Bands. Also, they’re evil exes 5 and 6. During the fighting, which features giant twin dragons and a giant yeti made of music duking it out over the crowd, we find out that Gideon, the last evil ex is in the crowd with Ramona. After an explody defeat, the twins are gone, and Scott gets a 1-up. He then confronts Gideon and Ramona, but doesn’t get into a fight since Ramona chose Gideon, who has just signed Sex Bob-omb (minus Scott) to a 3 record contract.

Seriously, such an awesome band name.

Eventually, after a phone call from Gideon, Scott goes to the newly opened Chaos Theatre to kick the fucker’s head in. At the theatre, Sex Bob-omb is playing, having sold out. Scott declares his love for Ramona and gains the power of love including a sweet sword. He proceeds to do battle with a bunch of hipsters, and eventually Gideon. However, Gideon breaks Scott’s sword and they fight hand to hand. Around that time is when Knives, Scott’s ex-girlfriend from the beginning of the movie shows up and starts fighting Ramona. It is soon revealed that Scott cheated on Knives with Ramona and Gideon stabs him in the back, killing him.

Scott awakens in a desert in his mind and Ramona explains how Gideon uses a chip to keep her under his control. Scott is able to use his 1-up to come back to life and start the fight over. This time, after reconciling with his friends, he gains the power of self-respect and gets a better sword, this time kicking Gideon’s ass all over the place. Eventually, Scott and Knives team up to take Gideon down and totally succeed in doing so. Gideon explodes into 7 billion dollars (Canadian) worth of coins. However, the night’s not over. Scott now has to face himself. Nega-fucking-Scott shows up and Scott tells Ramona and Knives that he has to face him by himself. Cut to the next scene, and Scott and Nega-Scott are making plans to hang out since he’s not that bad of a guy.

Ramona encourages Scott to stay with Knives since they make a good team. However, after Knives encourages him to go back to Ramona, he does and they decide to give it another shot, walking into Sub-Space together.

I really fucking loved this movie. Edgar Wright was probably the perfect pick for it as a director, and Michael Cera really surprised me by not being his usual awkward self. I mean, he was still a little awkward, but in a much more confident way. The fights were over the top and incredible, and the acting was fantastic. Especially Brandon Routh as Todd Ingram. He rocked. Despite being all Vegan and such.

Fuck meat. Seriously, don't, though. That's not healthy.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World: The Game

On Sunday night, I got a text from someone whose number I didn’t have in my contact list. They were asking if I was hanging out that night and, having nothing else to do despite that fact that it could have been a mongoloid rapist, I told them that yes, I would hang out that night. After a little back and forth, basically them saying that they would call me when they were outside my house, I waited anxiously for the attempted rape/murder that would surely ensue. Eventually, it turned out to just be my friend, Drew, whose number I didn’t have, so that was cool. Anyway, I ended up hanging out with my friends until Tuesday night, coming home twice to shower and grab my laptop so I could write the fifth part of Gumshoe.

I knew that I needed to be home on Tuesday night since Scott Pilgrim vs. the World: The Game was coming out on the Playstation Network. As much as I like hanging out with my friends, playing the greatest Beat ‘em Up since River City Ransom supersedes any other plans I may have had. I ended up getting home around eleven, only five or so hours late. That first night, I only played the first two levels and some of the Zombie Survival Mode, but that was enough for me to know that this game kicks so much fucking ass that it can call Rambo a pussy.

"Yeah! Fuck you!"

The next day when I woke up, I set to work, grinding the shit out of the first level to stand a chance against the second stage boss, Lucas Lee. Seriously, if you don’t buy any of the stat upgrades from the shopping center, you are fucked. Starting out, this game is classic Nintendo difficult. Basically, the game feels more like it was created specifically for multi-player since the single player game kicks your ass all over the screen.

The game has seven stages in the game, most of them split up into several areas. At the end of each level, you fight one of the evil exes, except for the sixth level where you fight Nega-Scott, Scott Pilgrim’s evil side.

Level 1 is in downtown Toronto. You fight your way through the icy streets to the Rockit where you fight Matthew Patel, evil ex number 1. The second area of the level is the shopping center where you can buy snacks, CD’s, and books. You can even pay off Scott’s late fees at the video store and gain access to extra lives for a little under 5 dollars each. After the shopping center, you fight through the highway to a Sub-Space door. Sub-Space is a horrible nightmare universe where flying piggy banks drop coins and you destroy large brick boxes because why not, right? Anyway, at the end of the sub-space section, you get to the Rockit where Crash and the Boys (later known as The Boys and Crash) have just knocked out the audience with their last song. Immediately upon arrival, you’re attacked by Matthew Patel and have to fight off him and his evil demon Hipster chicks. It’s pretty fucking sweet.

I totally kicked his ass. Hard.

Level 2 is a movie set where Lucas Lee is shooting his latest film. You fight your way through Paparazzi, green-screen guys, guys in aliens suits, and guys in dragon suits that breath fucking fire. This stage has a number of classic ‘break the object!’ sections and even a spiked wall that tries to murder you if you don’t break a statue fast enough. In the end, you battle Lucas Lee and some skateboard punks in a parking lot. I also kicked his ass, by the way.

Level 3 is Leo’s place where you fight fans of the band, The Clash at Demonhead, whose bassist, Todd Ingram is evil ex number three. Also, he has vegan mind powers, but that’s beside the point. After fighting hipsters and bodyguards, you get to the Main Stage and Todd’s girlfriend, who is also Scott’s ex, Envy Adams (formerly Natalie) finds out that he’s cheating on her with band drummer, Lynette, who also has a bionic arm and can teleport. No big deal. Anyway, you have to fight Lynette and Envy as they argue with each other. I’m not trying to sound tough or anything, but I totally beat the crap out of those two women. After their defeat, Todd shows up and starts trying to murder you with his vegansim (because he’s better than you). In this part, you have to destroy walls to get away from his Vegan mind-wave of destruction (probably not the actual name). Finally, you end up in the back-alley where the fight begins. Todd throws alley stuff at you and transforms his arm into a horrible tentacle of vegetables and such much like Tetsuo in ‘Akira’ except, y’know, with vegetables. Sometimes, after the arm thing, the Vegan police show up and hit Todd with the de-veganizing ray. Unlike in the comic, the ray doesn’t actually take his powers away, but you can get a few cheap shots in while he’s writing on the ground. Then, when you beat him, you get a 1-Up, so that’s cool.

Vegan powers! FUUUUUCK!!

Level 4 takes place on a moving bus. You spot Roxy Richter, evil ex number 4 and the only girl in the League of Evil Exes (it was a phase. A sexy phase). You then have to fight your way to the back of the bus (there’s probably a civil rights joke in there somewhere) until Roxy cuts off the back of it and you jump up to the top of the speeding metal vehicle. After fighting your way to the front of the bus, only on the top this time, you are attacked by ninjas. When you defeat their spooky asses, Roxy cuts off the front of the bus, sending you crashing into a Japanese food place, ‘The Frying Tengu’. You fight some more ninjas, ninjas that breath fire, and fat lady-ninjas before ending up in a Japanese garden of some sort. After more ninja fights, you end up in Sub-Space and, upon exiting, end up in Ramona’s backyard where you finally duel Roxy. Since she’s a woman, I was able to beat her by explaining how small her brain is and how she only makes 75 cents on the dollar. After that, she turned into animal sprites which, oddly enough, still worked as currency.

Level 5 has you fighting two evil exes at once. The Katayanagi twins, a pair of Japanese roboticists. You start out at Julie Powers (Stephen Stills’ (the Talent) on-again off-again girlfriend) Halloween party and, after fighting a bunch of costumed weirdos, Robot-01 joins the party! This is the first of the four bosses of the level, so it’s pretty badass. After winning the party, you end up having to run up the fire escape to get away from giant robot hands that are trying to crush you to death. When you get to the rooftop, you fight the giant robot that the Twins are piloting. Though, all you have to do is destroy its hands, so that’s cool. After that, you end up in a like, I’m not really sure what it was. The Twins’ lair, I guess? Anyway, in the end, you get to their hideout and do battle with both at the same time. You even get an achievement for defeating both at the same time!

Level 6 sees you in the park, and then an eerie forest which contains a graveyard full of FUCKING ZOMBIES! There’s also a secret shop in the woods where you can buy your final attack (if you’re at level 16) run by Wallace’s boyfriend, Mobile. After a few awesome zombie fights, you take on Nega-Scott and show him who wears the pants in this relationship (hint: me).

YEAH!

Level 7 is definitely the longest and most difficult. First, you have to ride down an elevator, fighting bad guys, and occasionally destroying brakes that kick in. You only have five minutes, but it should be easy if your strength is high enough. After that, you end up in the Chaos Theatre run by none other than Gideon Gordon Graves, the 7th evil ex. First, he transforms into a hulking version of himself and tries to punch you to death. After his first defeat, he sucks you into his chest which contains a sub-space portal. The best way to get through this area is the just fucking run. There’s no enemies, just stuff falling from the sky, so get your ass out of there. At the end of this part, you fight an even giant-er version of Gideon with the Sword of Love. This is pretty hard since you can really block his giant arm attacks, but easy enough once you get into the rhythm of it.

After this defeat, you are now in Gideon’s secret Techno base full of robots, evil clone women, and flying dudes in jet-packs. This level was a lot like the one in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV: Turtles in Time where you have to fight through Shredder’s future base and those goddamn robots keep hitting your with their laser whips. Anyway, at the end of the level you go face-to-face with regular Gideon. And kick his GODDAMN ASS. As it turns out, this is just a robot, but the real Gideon, knowing that he’s fucking done, lets you beat his ass before exploding into coins.

Also, there’s a secret boss who occasionally shows up on the maps. It’s Knives Chau’s dad, Mr. Chau. He wants to kick Scott’s ass for dating his daughter. However, if you defeat him, you gain him as a striker in place of his daughter.

I really fucking loved this game. Though, I’m biased since I love Scott Pilgrim and I love beat ‘em ups. It was a perfect mix of RPG and beating the shit out of stuff. I’m still hoping for some DLC to add more levels and characters, but it’s still well worth the ten bucks I paid for it. I highly recommend the shit out of it.